Are You a Ghost? Ghosting’s Nonverbal Messages and Your Wellness by Michele Poff, PhD

It’s a scourge of our times. You meet someone—maybe on a dating app, or at work, or in a friend group—and things seem to be going just fine. Or maybe you have an awkward exchange with a long-time friend or loved one. And then suddenly… crickets. No reply to your messages. No response to your invitations. No explanation. They’ve vanished into thin air without a trace. You’ve been ghosted.

The juicy question here is, what does it say about you when you're the one doing the ghosting?

Let’s start with this: ghosting is more than just a disappearing act. It’s a full-on character reveal. You should really be aware of the nonverbal messages you’re sending when you decide to just not respond.

The Look is Not a Good One

Sure, it’s the "easier" way out. “They’ll get the hint,” you think. “I don’t owe an explanation.” “They deserve the punishment.” Or in extreme distortions, “I’m setting a boundary.” But the truth? Ghosting doesn’t make you look powerful or cool. At. All. It reveals you as inconsiderate. Untrustworthy. Uncivil. Rude. Emotionally undeveloped. And because social isolation is the greatest punishment known to humankind (think solitary confinement in prisons), ghosting is downright cruel. It leaves the rejected party feeling confused, sad, alienated, grieving the loss, blaming themselves for something they must have done wrong, and questioning their own social capacities and their own judgment. It’s harsh! The consequences are more than just not nice. Because of what it does to the receiving party, this kind of enforced silence is actually deeply aggressive. You’re treating the other person as if they don’t exist! As if they don’t matter at all. Which does that person very real emotional harm on multiple levels. It’s the antithesis of civil behavior and goes beyond inconsiderate. And in a world where your personal brand follows you everywhere—digitally, socially, professionally—is that really a look you want to wear?

Ghosting Makes You Look Weak

Yes, very, very weak. Not edgy, not dominant—just emotionally unskilled. Unevolved. Underdeveloped. Incapable of using your words, like we teach our 5-year-olds to do. Ghosting is avoidance in its laziest form. It says, “I don’t know how to have a basic adult conversation.” Or worse, “I don’t care enough to respect you.” Either way, it signals that when things get even mildly uncomfortable, you’re not equipped to handle it. Ouch.

It’s a Red Flag—In All Areas of Life

In the numerous awkward exchanges of the dating world, ghosting is kind of acceptable. But the poor behavior extends to all areas of life, which is another story. Professionals ghost all the time: skipping interviews without notice, dropping out of collaborations, or bailing on appointments and opportunities without the consideration of any sort of cancellation. And it’s noticed. People talk. Industries are smaller than you think, and reputations travel fast. Being known as someone who disappears without a word doesn’t make you hard to get—it makes you undesirable to start anything with in the first place.

It’s a Missed Opportunity to Be Memorable (in a Good Way)

Let’s be honest: rejecting someone kindly, clearly, and respectfully is rare. And rare is memorable. When you take the 30 seconds to say, “Hey, I really enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t feel this is the right fit,” or you have the courage to have the difficult conversation, you stand out. You gain respect. You leave a positive impression—even in a ‘no.’ And you do the right thing. The proper thing. The civil thing. That speaks volumes about your character right there. It’s easy to behave well when things are going well. That’s why true indicators of character are in how you behave when things are uncomfortable.

The Fix Is Simple: Just Say Something

Each situation is different. Sometimes a text or an email is enough to do the right thing—timely though, please. If the relationship you’re mad about is deeper, like an old friend or a family member, the situation calls for an actual face-to-face convo with give-and-take, speaking and listening. This is showing respect for yourself and for the other person rather than running away because you can’t handle the discomfort. You don’t need to overexplain or pour your soul out. You just need to show you’re a person who communicates, who considers and respects others, and who understands what it means to do the right thing. It takes guts, but it builds trust and respect. And that adds up—over time, in relationships, in your career, and in your self-respect.

So the next time you feel the urge to blow someone off, ask yourself: do I want to present myself as someone who’s emotionally underdeveloped and doesn’t know how to have an adult conversation? Or as a civil adult with social integrity?

Because in the end, the ghost is the one who's forgotten, left to wallow in their own lack of civility. The grown-up? They’re the one everyone wants to know.

 So take a deep breath, keep your cool, be respectful, and use your words. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Welcome to adulting. You got this 😉.

Michele Poff is a professional writer and editor living in the Central Coast area. She works with concepts in the science of happiness, including relationships, communication, and other elements of well-being. Michele’s newest venture is The Alignment Portal (www.thealignmentportal.com), empowering individuals and organizations to achieve higher heights through science-based courses coupled with a variety of live meditation options.