LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!

By Michele Poff, PhD

Las fiestas! The parties! It’s that time of year once again when the world kicks into celebration mode. Festivities abound! Public fiestas, private fiestas, fiestas at the bar, fiestas at the beach! It is party time!

What makes a party? People! When you want to join the party, it’s good to put on your best people-person face. Here are some tips from the science of winning-with-everyone this holiday season.

1.  Practice patience. This is not the time for an easily bruised ego. People have their own agendas and their heads are not always where you might wish they were. Also consider that a lot of people are drunk out there this time of year. Cut people slack. Pay attention to the behaviors of others and breathe when you get a jolt of something that triggers you. Breathe. If they’re really bothering you, walk away if you can rather than engaging in an aggressive display or power struggle, especially if either of you has been drinking. Alcohol increases aggressiveness. Keep your cool.

2.  Practice supreme self-awareness. Be sure your own behavior does not add fuel to anyone else’s fire, even accidentally. Watch your tone of voice, above all. It carries loads of messages you may or may not intend. About 25% of nonverbal communication occurs in the voice, and nonverbal communication accounts for as much as 93% of all communication. That’s a lot of power in those vocal undertones. Pay attention, and soften up the voice among other self-awarenesses. 

3.  Keep in mind not to offend people’s “face” needs: competence, independence, and likeability. Everyone needs to be seen as competent, so consider stroking that rather than negating it. Use phrases like “You probably already know this” or “You know more about most of this stuff than I do”. Do NOT choose, “Don’t be stupid” as that violates this face need. Everyone also needs to be viewed as autonomous. Support this with phrases such as “I know you don’t need any help with this. I was just wondering…” or “I know you’re super(wo)man and all. Even super(wo)man needs a sidekick sometimes. Could you maybe use a hand there?” The third need in this area is for everyone to be viewed as capable of having friendships, of being liked. Phrases such as “We all know you’re popular around here” or “You make friends wherever you go” support this need. These areas are three kinds of “face needs”, or ways that people like to be perceived by others. Supporting these needs with these kinds of phrases helps fluff up the feathers of the person you’re talking to. It makes people feel good. And it’s not that hard.

4.  Another politeness characteristic is indirectness. People tend to associate directness with abruptness and rudeness, and indirectness with politeness. That’s going to entail using more words to get your point across. This can be challenging in loud spaces like those wonderfully noisy fiestas where the music is thumping and the voices are chattering, so it’s going to be better to save those convos for a quieter space.

5. Keep your emotional vibrations high. Emotions are contagions. Whatever you’re feeling, the people around you will begin to feel it too, consciously or not. Don’t make people feel bad with your low-energy moods. Elevate them. To help with this, stop thinking about things that bring you down, and focus instead on things that elevate your mood. Here’s a chart. 

 6.  Practice kindness. Keep those snide comments and subtle digs inside your head and knock it off with the competitiveness. Everyone is doing the best they can. Honor that. And when someone has more than you, genuinely see that in a positive light – good for them! – because it’s good for your own energy as well as your communication vibe to feel appreciation rather than frustration. Be responsible with your moods and your thoughts. Keep them positive, and everyone will have a better time, especially you.

7.  Remember your manners, please! Be careful not to hurt anyone, physically, verbally, or emotionally. We all just want to have a good time. Apologize if you step on someone’s toes. Forgive people when they step on yours – whether they apologize or not. These are crowded spaces and people are in their own head spaces. One technique is to repeat “I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you” when you’re triggered and until you feel better. Don’t let others’ discourtesy ruin your excellent time! 

If you can put your ego in the back seat for a while, all of these techniques become much easier and almost natural. This is a time for sharing. For coming together. For joining with others and appreciating the beauty of souls gathering together. If ever there is a time for quieting your own personal ego, party season is going to be it.

Stay safe and have fun out there, Folks! Make some new friends and celebrate dandily with those already in your life. Cheers!

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Michele Poff is a social scientist and professional writer and editor living in the Central Coast area. She promotes the science of happiness in her work. She can be reached through www.thealignmentportal.com.